thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

so much for a new graphics card and decent fps

got the card yesterday. 8pin didn't fit. had to order an adapter.

got the adapter today

proceeded to spend eight hours straight trying togetit to work

conclusion?

my computer is apparently too fucking shitty to run even a basic card

which means if I ever want better anything I just need an entirely new computer

which I cannot afford and probably will not be able to for at least a year

thanks universe. thanks so much.


thekieflerelf

So my friend started streaming overwatch recently and I've been joining her and she's made a couple new friends

one of which is a tech savvy wonderful person who took one look at what I was considering getting and went "uhhh lemme see your specs this doesn't sound right'

found out all I need is a new graphics card for now for boosted FPS and I can find a better processor later

um.

bless?

thekieflerelf

GRAPHICS CARD ORDERED WILL ARRIVE GUARANTEED BY FRIDAY WOOOOOOOO



thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

So my friend started streaming overwatch recently and I've been joining her and she's made a couple new friends

one of which is a tech savvy wonderful person who took one look at what I was considering getting and went "uhhh lemme see your specs this doesn't sound right'

found out all I need is a new graphics card for now for boosted FPS and I can find a better processor later

um.

bless?


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

So I just spent the better part of 3 hours scouring the internet for information on how to determine what CPU and what GPU I need that is within my price range and will give me the performance (namely for overwatch) that I need.

As I tend to average around 20 FPS on a good day (ping spikes have been the bane of my existance putting me down at 9 FPS here and there thank fuck I'm not currently playing competetive rounds) the information I found was hilarious


The below image shows how well the CPU I want to purchase, combined with my RAM, and the GPU I want to purchase, will run Overwatch compared to the recommended settings of the game

Not bad, right? And this set-up will cost me $150-200 without knowing what the installation cost would be.

The last two images are my current setup compared first to the recommended specs of overwatch, and then the minimum specs

Recommended

Minimum

WOULD SOMEONE LIKE TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCK I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THIS GAME FOR YEARS

also like.

Can we all pause for a moment and realize that I've placed plat before as a Rein main, and can typically keep myself mid to high gold during a season...so like...if I could actually play the game at the quality it's meant to be played

what will that do to my skill level?????

(if my mother - after being a complete and utter bitch when I told her about top surgery and hung up on her - feels guilty and makes the bday check - that she told me she was sending after our fight like what even I don't know what's happening anymore - bigger, then I might be able to get the CPU and GPU I'm looking at (AMD APU A10-6800K Quad-Core CPU and an AMD Radeon RX 550 2Gb) using that money and potentially have my dad split the price with me for my bday).

I actually feel really fucking accomplished figuring this all out. And the craziest part was, I went through all of this and then realized the CPU sockets were different and yelled "FUCK" and then looked into it and found at that it just so happens the model of CPU I'm looking at is one of only two that are compatible with both FM2 and FM2+ sockets!

All of this makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about but honestly I feel like I've just been staring at and analyzing puzzle pieces all day and happened to find those that fit.


thekieflerelf

top surgery consult in 3 hours x_x

thekieflerelf

GREAT UPDATE BELOW THE CUT!

Okay, so the consult went great (side note my surgeon looks like Alex from Supergirl and I am GAAAAAAYYYYYYY)

after speaking to her I'm even more sure of my decision to go through with this - I honestly can't imagine not. And after speaking to her scheduler I was assured that

"Every time - okay, I shouldn't say every time, but - 99.9% of the time your insurance has fully approved this procedure."

I just need to have my therapist email in a letter of support, wait for the insurance approval, and then schedule!

I'm beside myself right now and if this gets taken out from under me again I don't know what I'm going to do.

But for now, I think it is entirely fair to assume it will GO THROUGH AND IN 2-3 MONTHS I WILL HAVE TOP SURGERRRRRYYYYY



thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Well. I told my mom there is a chance I'm getting top surgery.


I guess I shouldn't be surprised, and really I don't think I am...more just. Resigned. Especially because it started out as a deceptively good conversation.

the suit post kind of came about as I was trying to sleep (which did not go well all night) as a way to try and explain to her how gender identity works. I put it on Facebook as a public post. Maybe she'll see it. But I think the hardest part of all of this is that I don't think she will change her mind. And that this may be the final straw.

This is precisely why I never corrected her on my name when she called me by my birth name, same with my dad - although he's gotten MUCH better. Because I knew if I decided to argue the point this would happen. But rather than this being over my name, it was over my entire identity and what steps I am taking to make me comfortable. And I think that hurts even more.

im a mess. My surgical consult is tomorrow. I turn fucking THIRTY on Tuesday.

im just so tired.


Look at it this Way

thekieflerelf

You go to a store - say a chain store - where lots of people shop to buy suits. These suits come in different general sizes; typically with one “body type” in mind. Inbetween sizes are not accounted for, nor are sizes outside a certain range.

In order to find a suit that fits you, maybe you’ll have to go to a certain store, or perhaps you will reason that buying a suit that doesn’t quite fit is worth it over looking everywhere for the perfect fit.

Because the truth is, if every person in the world got a custom tailored suit made just for them, you would have as many different suits as people. Certain suits would only be found in certain places. Some are similar, some so different as to be incomparable.

But what it comes down to is this:

If someone has the want and the desire to have a custom tailored suit to fit them and them alone, why force them to continue wearing one that is ill-fitting, makes them uncomfortable, causes stress in social situations and otherwise, makes them question if people see the real them or can’t get past the clothes - the list can go on and on, and is unique to every trans identifying individual. Every member of the queer community. And yes, to every person that will ever exist.

So when someone tells you they’re taking a step towards what SUITS them, something based on who they are and intrinsic to them as a human being

don’t hold up the suit they’ve been wearing their whole life - in discomfort, maybe even in pain - and ask why it’s not good enough. Don’t hold up someone else’s suit and say that it’s better. Don’t hold up the suit YOU made, and think it could ever fit better than one built for them.

Maybe it’s not a perfect metaphor. But maybe these words are more effective than others I’ve tried. Maybe this will get it across to some who have yet to understand. Maybe it will get some gears turning.

Either way, at least I said it.

thekieflerelf

Slight edit:

the above may seem to imply a “choice” to some, therefore imagine instead that you are given a generic suit at birth and expected to grow into it precisely. But as this is an impossible thing to determine, some people’s suits are too small, too big, cling in the wrong places, bulge in others. Maybe the color is wrong. But it will never be perfect for you.



thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Look at it this Way

You go to a store - say a chain store - where lots of people shop to buy suits. These suits come in different general sizes; typically with one “body type” in mind. Inbetween sizes are not accounted for, nor are sizes outside a certain range.

In order to find a suit that fits you, maybe you’ll have to go to a certain store, or perhaps you will reason that buying a suit that doesn’t quite fit is worth it over looking everywhere for the perfect fit.

Because the truth is, if every person in the world got a custom tailored suit made just for them, you would have as many different suits as people. Certain suits would only be found in certain places. Some are similar, some so different as to be incomparable.

But what it comes down to is this:

If someone has the want and the desire to have a custom tailored suit to fit them and them alone, why force them to continue wearing one that is ill-fitting, makes them uncomfortable, causes stress in social situations and otherwise, makes them question if people see the real them or can’t get past the clothes - the list can go on and on, and is unique to every trans identifying individual. Every member of the queer community. And yes, to every person that will ever exist.

So when someone tells you they’re taking a step towards what SUITS them, something based on who they are and intrinsic to them as a human being

don’t hold up the suit they’ve been wearing their whole life - in discomfort, maybe even in pain - and ask why it’s not good enough. Don’t hold up someone else’s suit and say that it’s better. Don’t hold up the suit YOU made, and think it could ever fit better than one built for them.

Maybe it’s not a perfect metaphor. But maybe these words are more effective than others I’ve tried. Maybe this will get it across to some who have yet to understand. Maybe it will get some gears turning.

Either way, at least I said it.


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

I'm not sure the massage yesterday did what I needed. Did the CBD oil feel nice? Yeah. Did my shoulders feel better initially? Yes.

Unfortunately by the time I got home, and especially by the time I went to bed, everything felt the way it had for months now.

Which means I'm probably going to have to brave a chiropractor pretty soon, especially if I get approved for surgery as I should probably do that before. Heugh.

On that topic. I called the surgical office and left a message about setting up a consult so. Fingers crossed.

ALSO. IF ANYONE WHO FOLLOWS ME HAS GONE THROUGH TOP SURGERY AND HAS ANY TIPS/THINGS THEY WISH THEY KNEW GOING INTO THE CONSULT PLEASE MESSAGE ME AS I BARELY KNOW WHAT IM DOING.


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Things I Call My Cat

  • Alanna the Lioness
  • Gremlin
  • Ye of the Golden Eyes
  • Titten
  • Daughter of Mine

and of course, the universal phrase that means I love you - "you little shit"


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

So, update about top surgery under the cut.


After both myself and my therapist talked to the insurance company, it seems like all I should need to do is set up a surgical consult and have them send in a prior authorization form...and then it should all be good?

So I'm going to call the office tomorrow and set up said consult and just. Hope.

I also got a massage today and whereas I don't seem to be as sold on them as the general public, my shoulders do feel a decent bit better now.

Here's hoping this is a sign things are on their way up.


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

starting to wonder if I should just combine my personal and art blogs again since this site seems more friendly toward people who have both on one blog...

anyway

more talk about mental bullshit below the cut


I haven't heard back from my therapist yet. I did speak to the surgical office again and the woman I spoke to seemed absolutely flabbergasted that my insurance company told me no. She said she'd look into what other people have done and call me back. That was two days ago and I have yet to hear back from her.

I had a nightmare the other night where I was in public shirtless feeling fucking fantastic and then suddenly everyone was noticing I had breasts and I freaked out, ran away, and had a breakdown. So that was fun.

Last night I had a zombie nightmare.

I'm hoping the severity is due to stress and not wholly a side effect of my new antidepressents because they're working and I really really really DO NOT want to have to find a new one but I also don't remember what a good night's sleep feels like so. I guess we'll see.

I'm so stressed. I have 3 months before I move back into my dad's. I turn 30 in like. two and a half weeks. I'm a goddamn mess and I just really don't know how to fix it anymore.

Oh, and I'm basically three steps and a plunge away from being fully in love with my best friend who lives out of state that honestly probably wouldn't be interested in me that way, on top of which it's the exact opposite of what both of us need right now.

I also can't really art at the moment because my shoulders and neck are so tense I have a semi numb spot between my shoulder blades and I also can't find a chiropracter that takes my insurance and the thought of getting a massage with how bad my dysphoria is now is absolutely terrifying.

I don't know what to do anymore. And whereas I'm not near any issues such as self harm or anything of that degree...I genuinely don't really see a future for myself. Like I don't see me going anywhere and being successful. Not that I don't see a future just...all I see is this. Now. And I don't see a way out of being this mess that barely resembles a person on a good day.

I just want someone to wrap me up, hug me, not let go, and tell me they love me and that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay eventually...


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Me, someone who averages 20 FPS on Overwatch because my computer sucks: gets a game booster

Overwatch: now averages at 25-27 FPS

Me: 😭😭I HAVE BEEN BLESSED😭😭


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

my therapist is going to call my insurance company 'cause we're both baffled by them saying no to covering top surgery for me


bogwitcharts

You ever just want to cease intelligible communication and just speak in vaguely comprehensible trendy sounding syllables

fungus

sometimes i just change my mind about words and make grunting noises and gesture and then laugh as we try to figure out what im saying


thekieflerelf

I. Genuinely do have noises like this though.

'tss na-ma' is one, and depending on the tone can me 'here you go' or 'here is the thing' or variations there-upon

that's just one example. It's funny 'cause my friends have all really picked up on it and sometimes use it.

Like 'na-ma' said with an urgent tone is like "DUDE PAY ATTENTION I'M HANDING YOU SOMETHING FUCKING TAKE IT"

...yeah.



thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

alright. I know I haven't been active on this blog (in fact I almost made this post on my art blog before remembering this one exists) but. I need to get this out somewhere. So I guess here will work.

A few weeks ago my therapist brought up potentially looking into top surgery for me. Through various discussions we both agreed that this would be of huge benefit for me. It was something I had refused to allow myself to consider for years, both to ensure I was positive it was what I wanted (being agender makes that slightly less clear for me), and also because I damn well knew I couldn't afford it.

Fast forward two weeks; my therapist has looked into things. To all appearances, my insurance should cover it. I was holding back my hope, trying to make sure if something dropped and it wouldn't work that I wouldn't be wholly devastated. Meanwhile my dysphoria is ramping up.

Cue yesterday. Me calling on the referral to the surgical office. The person I spoke to said - and I quote - "your insurance has been really good about covering this recently!" At this point I'm buzzing. Everyone I've spoken to seems to think it will go through.

So I call my insurance.

Not only did I get a 'no.' I got a 'no matter what diagnosis you have, or even a letter from a therapist, this will not change.'

Now I am devastated. Because despite trying to tell myself not to hope too hard, I did. I did because I know I want this. And I've been denying that fact for years out of financial necessity. There is a slim chance there's a way to appeal it and get it covered. There's also a slim chance that they're doing the whole 'we'll say no the first time to discourage them and if they come back then we'll say yes' thing.

Either way, I'm in no shape today to deal with any of it. Especially since I have no idea what I'm looking for or how to go about figuring it out.

I see my therapist again on Saturday but...I'm a fucking wreck right now. And I'm fucking pissed.


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

oh nice! love the new homepage


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

me: goes to reorganize my itunes library for the first time in almost a year and a half

my music library: 90% grayed out can't play multiples of playlists I already deleted and fixed up, total and utter chaos

me: REALLY!?

my music library: lol nah here we're just loading them in slow

me: x____x please my heart can't take that right now


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

If I unfollowed you from this blog don't panic! I did so most likely because I classified you as 'mainly an art blog' and am following you from my art blog still!


thekieflerelf

@thoughtsmuch appreciate for the well wishes!

also @voidarcana and @peachy-queer

IM SO HAPPY TO FIND PEOPLE AS EXCITED ABOUT TORTALL AS ME

like I know they’ll probably start with Alanna who I do love (hell I named my cat after her lol) however I am gonna be BOUNCING until Kel gets her stuff

but honestly my greatest desire for this entire thing is that Tamora Pierce will take the opportunity to push and really explore the queerness of these characters. As @voidarcana mentioned - Kel is ace, Tamora has mentioned that. It had BETTER be acknowledged on screen. Same with being aro. I just.

Tamora Pierce was such a formulative part of who I am and her confirming character queerness has been amazing but THEY HAD BETTER STICK TO IT

thekieflerelf

Me, fully reading the description of the article for Tortall: okay I was wrong if they go chronological they’ll start with Cooper and I aM SO DOWN FOR THAT TOO

id also be more likely to get my roommate into it cause dog >.>



thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Oh. So I just realized I don’t think I’ve updated anyone here about what’s going on with me so

as quick an update as I can -

I did an emergency withdrawal from the semester, and am withdrawing completely from university.

Theres. Something up with my health. We don’t know what. On top of which either THAT is getting worse or I have the cold from hell right now.

I’m basically in love with my best friend? Who like. Keeps making poor relationship choices.

Annnnd my mental health isn’t doing so great

i think that’s most the big stuff. And I’m managing...mostly. But yeah. That’s why as soon as I was like “hey I’m gonna be more active!!” It didn’t. Quite happen.

ANYWAY

imma let everyone get back to their non fever-posting Simon streams andnjust...roll on out to keep watching Legacies with my roommate lol


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

Okay I think I fixed my last post but I want to apologize profusely because through looking at my notifications I messed up who said what in a couple things resulting in incorrect tagging and also potential incorrect pronouns

i am so so sorry

i think it’s all fixed but if it’s not please let me know

apologies again this fever is making life very difficult right now


thekieflerelf
posted this
Time ago

@thoughtsmuch appreciate for the well wishes!

also @voidarcana and @peachy-queer

IM SO HAPPY TO FIND PEOPLE AS EXCITED ABOUT TORTALL AS ME

like I know they’ll probably start with Alanna who I do love (hell I named my cat after her lol) however I am gonna be BOUNCING until Kel gets her stuff

but honestly my greatest desire for this entire thing is that Tamora Pierce will take the opportunity to push and really explore the queerness of these characters. As @voidarcana mentioned - Kel is ace, Tamora has mentioned that. It had BETTER be acknowledged on screen. Same with being aro. I just.

Tamora Pierce was such a formulative part of who I am and her confirming character queerness has been amazing but THEY HAD BETTER STICK TO IT


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